View high resolution
I just thought of this photo as I’m sitting sick in bed at my parent’s place in San Francisco. There’s a beautiful email chain going around involving sending someone an uplifting poem, recipe, text of some sort. Scrolling through archived quotes to send and reflecting on my relationships with people, for a second I was transported to the moment in time this photo was taken:
I was in Israel, July of 2010. I’d gone through my first serious romantic relationship, first breakup, and it catapulted me (slowly) into learning to love, starting with myself. I started learning and doing things of interest and importance to me, sailing, urban farming, then this trip to Israel. The photo was taken by Roi, a farmer in Amirim who cares for a fruit-tree nursery and makes deliveries to kibbutzim around northern Israel. I only stayed at the nursery a couple of days but they were so full and wholesome… healing. We’d just gone to a lychee orchard to pick fruit and on the way out he tried teaching me to drive his truck, and we paused at this abandoned arched structure filled with bats.
The past few weeks I’ve been confronting ego and it’s not like it’s something I can “solve” quickly but it’s important to me to stay aware of it. At the time of the photo I was so open, because I was feeling so much pain and searching, and I wanted so, so much to feel closeness with people and the world and to not stay locked inside myself, recognizing my insignificance but also the significance of little actions like tending to a tree or picking trash off a trail.
I worry I fall into “seriousness” too often and forget to have fun. I want to lose my self and just be,
I may only “get it” for a moment, maybe moments, but I’m hoping with effort the frequency will increase and the attitude and manifestations will be less conscious.
I know so little about death and it was stupid and naïve, god I’m so naïve, to try and understand, when I know fully well that there are just things I can’t relate to, and I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I’d like to be a good listener, I’d like to be compassionate, I’d like to care and be supportive, I want to learn what you need and if I can be an agent in helping you feel good in some way then that’s all that really matters.
I’m such a child, I may sometimes play adult but I’m so goddamn helpless at times, and lazy. I will start to push myself further into things that catch my eye, make myself learn to learn.
This has been prompted in part by the text I sent to someone in the email chain:
Every time we refuse honest interaction by belittling our feelings out of self-preservation, we preclude any possibility of growth. By avoiding being vulnerable, we remain in a state of isolated distress.
Not necessarily uplifting, but it’s something I refer to often when in dark times.